Understanding OCD: Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity OCD
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
Discovering who you are, what makes you feel most like yourself, how you identify, and who you’re attracted to is an exciting, and at times very nerve wracking period of growth and discovery.
For many, this period involves uncertainty, vulnerability, and big emotions: all a normal part of figuring out who you are.
And for some, OCD can hijack someone’s ability to feel a sense of certainty about themselves or engage with self-discovery. For those with sexual orientation and gender identity OCD, or SOGI OCD, exploration and identity become targeted in endless loops of uncertainty and fear. If your questioning journey is leaving you with more worry and uncertainty than peace and assurance, you’re in good company.
What is SOGI OCD?
First, what is SOGI OCD, and how does it differ from healthy, even if sometimes uncomfortable, self-discovery?
SOGI OCD is an obsessional theme under the OCD umbrella. Like anyone else, those with OCD will get an intrusive thought, impulse, or image that goes against their sense of self. And, when the intrusive thought involves something important to an individual, like their identity, it can be much more difficult to dismiss these thoughts as irrelevant when they have OCD. This leads to confusion about whether the thought really goes against their self image or if it’s important and meaningful, with resulting attempts to “figure out” or “fix” the uncertainty.
In practice, this can look like:
“What if I’m not actually the gender I feel I am?”
“What if I’m not really attracted to the people I think I am?”
Intrusive mental images that create fear or doubt about one’s identity.
Common compulsions in response to these can be:
Mental review of past attitudes or relationships.
Seeking reassurance from others on what their identity really is.
Checking for groinal responses to prove or disprove attraction
SOGI OCD vs. Questioning
Photo by Carlos de Toro @carlosdetoro on Unsplash
Cool. But how is this different from self-exploration and questioning? Aren’t a lot of those things present when people are figuring out who they are? Yes! But they serve opposite functions in questioning versus in OCD.
Exploration may be confusing and uncomfortable at times, but it moves someone towards their values and towards their identity. Exploration and efforts to figure out one's identity are rooted in a true effort to understand oneself better and live authentically. It is more often marked by curiosity and acceptance, and may be a process that occurs over time. Although questioning involves doubt, resolving that doubt rarely feels like “life or death” that must be solved immediately. It also is much less likely to constantly occupy thoughts outside of situations in which identity is immediately relevant, or someone intends to reflect on their identity.
SOGI OCD, on the other hand, moves someone awayfrom their identity. Attempts to figure out one’s identity with SOGI OCD are rooted in the need to neutralize the obsessive thoughts, and are marked by fear and intolerance of uncertainty. Doubt from SOGI OCD tends to feel very urgent, and as though it is a “life or death” thing to resolve the uncertainty now. OCD thoughts also tend to be much more “sticky” than other thoughts, and occupy headspace well beyond situations in which identity is the focus, or when someone would like to self-reflect.
Can you experience both at the same time, though? Yes. OCD loves to pile onto the things that mean the most to someone, and for someone discovering who they are, identity certainly fits the bill. When OCD shows up during identity exploration, it can be difficult to separate curiosity from fear.
What does SOGI OCD mean?
So, now that we know what SOGI OCD is, what isn’tSOGI OCD, and why would someone have SOGI OCD at all?
SOGI OCD is not something that affects only cis straight people. Though much of the historical conversation around SOGI OCD has been very heteronormative, obsessions can be “what if I’m actually straight or cis?” just as easily as they can be “what if I’m actually gay or trans?” In fact, LGBTQ+ folks may feel more pressure to “get their identity right,” which can be fuel on the fire of SOGI OCD.
SOGI OCD also does not mean that someone views other genders and sexual orientations negatively. Although SOGI OCD is based in fear, it typically is not a fear of identifying differently. Instead, the fear is usually that someone will never figure out what their identity is and be able to embody who they really are.
Alternatively, SOGI OCD fear is often rooted in valued romantic relationships, in which someone is scared that attraction to their partner may be absent or shift according to their identity, despite an otherwise healthy, loving, and supportive relationship. In this, SOGI OCD can overlap with relationship OCD significantly.
SOGI OCD can also overlap with harm and moral scrupulosity OCD, in which someone is scared to inadvertently hurt or “lie” to their partner, or harm the LGBTQ+ community if their identity changes. They may worry that being wrong about their identity will open their community up to increased scrutiny, and feel responsible for preventing that.
So, instead of “I’m scared that I might be gay,” SOGI OCD instead tends to look like:
“What if I never get certainty about who I am and can never live authentically?”
“What if my relationship fails because I discover I’m not attracted to my partner’s gender?”
“What if I’m lying to my partner about who I am and am secretly leading them on?”
“If I’m wrong about being trans, others may think that being trans isn’t real.”
Receiving Help for SOGI OCD
Like with all OCD themes, therapy for SOGI OCD focuses on helping people trust themselves again, learn that thoughts and uncertainty do not have to mean danger, and live according to their values. It should never pathologize or stigmatize self-exploration, questioning, transition, or the LGBTQ+ community, and should never attempt to tell you who you are on your behalf. Instead, help exists to take the wheel back from OCD so that your journey of love and self discovery can once again be your own, on your own terms.