Understanding OCD: OCD & Attraction
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OCD hates uncertainty. And when OCD is trying to solve uncertainty, it may look to the body for information.
OCD knows no bounds when it comes to the topics that it circles, and a common topic across the board is attraction. This shows up in many OCD themes, and is especially true in themes involving relationships, sexuality, and identity. Those with OCD may face intrusive thoughts and doubt regarding whether their attraction to others is appropriate, if they’re really attracted to their partner, or if they can really trust that they know their sexual orientation, even with no true evidence to the contrary.
Nonetheless, these topics can still feel very real and uncertain, and in hunting for certainty, OCD may cause someone to endlessly monitor their own arousal for “proof” of who they are or aren’t attracted to. There’s one big problem with that, though: arousal is a really really lousy ruler for attraction.
Arousal vs. Attraction
Sexual arousal and sexual attraction tend to be used interchangeably. But, they’re quite distinct from one another.
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Sexual arousal is a largely physical response in which the body involuntarily begins to produce a sexual response, such as erection and lubrication. There may be a mental component to arousal as well in which someone is more motivated or interested in sexual activity. However, this interest is independent of any particular person or situation.
Sexual attraction, on the other hand, describes the people and situations that sexual arousal is directed towards. It describes how and with whom people desire to have sexual experiences.
Arousal and attraction are used so interchangeably because they often go hand in hand and occur together. But, they don’t have to. Attraction can occur without or with minimal arousal. Anybody who's ever gone to engage in sexual activity and their body just wasn’t getting the memo can relate to this.
And, arousal can exist without attraction. It is not at all uncommon for the body to produce a physical sexual response even with no desire present.
These cases, in which the body’s physical arousal responses and sexual desire are mismatched, are common. So common, in fact, that it has a name: arousal non-concordance. There is nothing wrong with occasional arousal non-concordance. It happens to most everyone at some point or another. But, it makes arousal a poor method for gauging attraction. And, OCD can make arousal non-concordance far more common.
The Groinal Response
Sexual arousal can be highly suggestible and responsive, and it does not always respond in the ways we wish or expect. Compulsive surveillance of arousal for those hoping to disprove attraction can backfire.
When someone is very focused on monitoring genital response, the brain can take that and say “oh, well, if we’re so focused on attraction and the genitals, this must be important, and maybe we should get something going down here.” The hypervigilance can actually cause physical arousal in the absence of attraction when there may not have otherwise been any arousal. Hypervigilance may also cause people to hone in on small sensations that may have otherwise gone unnoticed.
This response means nothing about desire and attraction, but OCD likes to interpret this as evidence of it anyway. Someone with OCD may be sitting down for dinner with their family, experience a groinal response, and then panic because they believe it may mean they’re attracted to their family. It doesn’t! Attraction is desired, and if the idea is unwanted, it’s not attraction. All this means is that the body was being a body in an awkward way at an awkward moment.
The opposite can also be true.
When someone is closely monitoring their arousal response, it may make it difficult to become aroused when they want to be. Compulsive hypervigilance can cause stress that interferes with arousal so that even if someone desires their partner, the stress signal is louder to the body than the desire signal is. Folks with OCD may wonder if this is evidence that they really aren’t attracted to their partner when it’s again a body being a body in an awkward way at an awkward moment. If the encounter is desired, it’s still attraction, even if arousal doesn’t always tag along.
Help for OCD
Help for somatic compulsions like hypervigilance of arousal is available, and involves helping people relearn how to trust what they know about themselves. With the right support, many people are able to step out of this cycle. You are deserving of knowing exactly who you are and what you like all on your own, without needing justification from your body.