By Rebecca Deardorff, LCSW

The holiday season can bring magic, comfort, and the soft glow of connection. At the same time, it can stir up memories, tension, and emotional overwhelm, especially for people who carry trauma histories. This time of year tends to magnify everything. The joy feels brighter. The pressure feels heavier. The old wounds feel closer to the surface. For many clients and families I work with, the phrase “family gathering” does not bring up images of laughter and warmth. Instead, it brings a sense of bracing for what might come next.

If you notice your body tightening as the holidays get closer, you are not alone. Trauma, whether it comes from childhood experiences, relationship injuries, or events that shook your sense of safety, often shows up most strongly in family settings. The family system is where many patterns first formed. When holiday traditions place you back in the environment where those patterns started, your nervous system reacts before your mind even has a chance to make sense of what is happening.

In this blog, I want to name the ways trauma interacts with families during the holiday season and offer grounding practices and supportive strategies. I also want to remind you that you do not have to navigate this on your own. Therapy can help you move through this season with more intention, compassion, and clarity.

Why Trauma Intensifies During the Holidays

Many people are surprised by how intensely trauma symptoms show up during the holiday months. Even clients who feel stable throughout the year share that November and December bring a different level of stress. There are a few reasons for this, and it is important to understand that none of them mean you are failing or going backward.

One reason is that holidays often disrupt routines. Predictability is grounding for the nervous system, especially if you have a trauma history. When schedules change and expectations increase, your body feels less anchored. Travel plans, late nights, financial pressures, and social gatherings can create a sense of instability.

Another reason is exposure to familiar triggers. Family gatherings may include people who caused harm, minimized your experiences, or dismissed your emotions. Even if you have spent years building boundaries and healing, being around those dynamics again can activate old responses. Trauma lives in the body. When your senses pick up on reminders of past experiences, the body moves into protection mode. This can show up as irritability, shutting down, people pleasing, hyper-vigilance, or sudden waves of sadness.

The holidays also bring a cultural expectation of closeness. There is an unspoken message that families should gather with joy and gratitude. When your internal experience does not match that expectation, it can create shame or self blame. You might wonder why everyone else seems fine or why you cannot just “get over it.” These feelings are understandable and very human. Trauma affects your body and brain. You are not choosing these reactions. You are responding to environments that feel unsafe or overwhelming.

Understanding the Family System During the Holidays

Family systems carry long standing roles and patterns. Maybe you were always the caretaker, the peacekeeper, the quiet one, or the one who kept things together when everything felt chaotic. These roles can return quickly during the holidays, even if you have outgrown them. Your family might still expect you to play the part you once played, and you might feel pulled back into it automatically.

This is where compassion becomes essential. Trauma healing is not about becoming immune to triggers. It is about recognizing what is happening and giving yourself choices where you once had none. When you understand the system you are stepping into, you can prepare yourself with more awareness and support.

It can also help to name that family members may not understand trauma. They may dismiss your boundaries, question your decisions, or pressure you to engage in traditions that feel unsafe. Their reactions are reflections of their own patterns and limitations, not reflections of your worth or needs.

Signs You Might Be Experiencing Holiday Triggering

Trauma during the holidays can look like many things. Some signs include:

Feeling exhausted before events even begin
Increased anxiety or irritability
Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach tension, or disrupted sleep
Wanting to avoid gatherings or feeling numb during them
Feeling younger than your current age when interacting with certain relatives
Over explaining yourself or trying to keep everyone happy
Having flashbacks or emotional memories that come out of nowhere

If any of these resonate, know that your body is trying to protect you. These symptoms are messages, not failures.

Grounding Yourself Before and During Family Events

One of the most supportive things you can do is create a grounding plan before entering holiday spaces. The goal is not perfection. It is support.

Here are some therapist recommended strategies

Create a moment of pause before you enter a family space. Sit in your car or take a slow breath at the door. Place one hand on your chest and one on your abdomen. Feel the warmth and let your breath deepen. Even ten seconds can help your nervous system settle.

Choose an anchor. This might be a phrase such as “I am allowed to protect my peace” or a physical object like a smooth stone in your pocket. When you feel overwhelmed, touch the anchor or repeat the phrase silently to yourself.

Build micro breaks into the day. Step into another room. Take a short walk. Sit on the porch or in the bathroom for a moment of quiet. You do not need permission to care for yourself.

Set internal boundaries. Even if you cannot control what others do, you can decide how long you stay, what topics you will engage in, and who you will sit near. Small choices create powerful shifts.

Plan for aftercare. When the gathering ends, give yourself something comforting like a warm drink, soft lighting at home, or time to decompress with a trusted person.

These practices help remind your body that you are safe now and that the past is not repeating.

Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

Boundaries during the holidays can feel complicated. You may fear disappointing others or being misunderstood. Yet boundaries are essential for trauma healing. They are not punishments. They are forms of self respect.

A supportive boundary might look like attending for only a couple of hours, skipping certain traditions, staying in a hotel instead of with family, or choosing not to attend at all. You do not have to justify your boundaries to anyone. Your healing and safety matter.

If guilt shows up, gently remind yourself that guilt is not a sign you are doing something wrong. It is often a sign that you are doing something new.

How Therapy Supports You Through the Holidays

Therapy can be a powerful resource during the holiday season. A therapist can help you understand your triggers, prepare for difficult interactions, and strengthen the skills you need to feel grounded. Therapy also gives you space to explore grief, anger, confusion, and any other emotions that surface during this time.

At Valid Love, we help clients build tools that support nervous system regulation, healthy boundaries, and compassionate self awareness. Trauma work is not about avoiding your family or erasing your past. It is about creating internal freedom. It is about helping your body and mind feel safer, calmer, and more connected.

When the holidays bring old wounds to the surface, therapy offers a steady place to land. You do not have to navigate this season alone. We are here to help you feel more supported, more understood, and more empowered to move through the holidays in a healthier way.

If You Need Support, Valid Love Is Here

If the holidays feel heavy this year, know that your experiences make sense. Trauma and family dynamics can collide in ways that feel draining and confusing. You deserve care, grounding, and a space where you do not have to explain why this time of year is hard.

Our therapists at Valid Love specialize in trauma informed support and family dynamics. Whether you want to prepare for gatherings, process what comes up after them, or work toward long term healing, we are ready to walk with you.

You can schedule a session or learn more on our website. You deserve a holiday season that feels calmer and more compassionate. We would be honored to support you.

Trauma and Families During the Holidays: Finding Safety, Connection, and Space to Breathe