How Couples Therapy Can Support Your Mental Health
Photo by Ilse Orsel on Unsplash
When a person is diagnosed with a mental health condition such as OCD, an eating disorder, ADHD, or others, they’re often referred straight to individualized therapy specific to that condition—cognitive behavior therapy for eating disorders, exposure and response prevention for OCD, and so on.
Relational or couples therapy is often considered a secondary add-on to the “medically necessary” work of individual treatment; it’s nice to have, but not exactly a pressing need. It’s even common for couples therapists to delay relational counseling until the partner with the condition has made significant progress in individual treatment. While it’s true that relationship counseling can never be a substitute for individual work, and that we’re each responsible for our own mental health journey, relationship counseling can provide vital benefits for mental health treatment.
Couples counseling can offer supports and insights that individual therapy can’t provide, allowing both modalities to work in tandem towards treatment goals.
(All examples are fictitious and meant for illustration; we would never violate anyone’s privacy by sharing their story)
Opportunities for education:
Partners can sometimes feel at a loss when their loved one shares a mental health diagnosis.
“But you’re not afraid of germs,” says Harry, his brow furrowed in confusion, as his wife Taylor shares the OCD diagnosis she received in a recent therapy appointment.
“That doesn’t make sense; you’re always so worried about being late, and you were so good in school. How could you have ADHD?” asks Jay when their girlfriend Abby comes home with a new prescription for a stimulant.
It’s common for loved ones to feel confused by the mismatch between our cultural perceptions of mental health conditions and the lived realities of those who experience them.
Couples therapy can provide a place to ask questions, share experiences, and increase understanding. During their first session, Harry learned that OCD can involve many different themes and actions. As Taylor shared how her thoughts compelled her to check her the door locks repeatedly or ask over and over if Harry still loved her, he was able to see how Taylor’s “quirks” were actually manifestations of her anxiety.
Relationship counseling can also help partners detangle from managing their loved one’s condition for them. Through their couples sessions, Jay gave up their endless battle with Abby’s challenges with organization. Together, they figured out a kitchen set-up where Abby could see—and put away—all of the spoons and spatulas she’d need for a meal, and they stopped fighting over the overflowing kitchen drawers. The education they received helped them understand each other’s needs and find creative ways to meet them.
Support with Treatment Goals:
Relationship counseling often works in tandem with individual therapy goals, allowing clients to take home the skills that they’ve practiced in the office.
In their couples session, Raoul and David made a plan to challenge David’s eating disorder by going out to a restaurant and ordering one new thing together. Raoul helped David use his grounding skills at the restaurant and celebrated his win when the pair left the restaurant.
For other couples, the session itself may be the treatment ‘win.’ After discussing it with her team, Sarah used her couples session with Jess to complete an exposure exercise for harm OCD. After holding the corkscrew for ten minutes, Sarah was finally able to acknowledge that her thoughts were OCD and that it was unlikely that she would just “lose control” and hurt Jess.
Couples therapy can also help identify roadblocks and accommodation patterns that may be stalling treatment.
Before their work in relationship counseling, Kay would spend an hour reassuring Jerry that their refrigerated leftovers were safe to eat and not contaminated, only for Jerry to find their boyfriend Sam and ask him if the food was safe. After discussing it with their therapist, Kay and Sam realized that offering reassurance only fed Jerry’s OCD, and they learned to help Jerry label the thought instead of argue with it.
By providing a partner with the tools to help with treatment, couples therapy can empower clients and loved ones to make progress in and out of the therapy office.
Relationship Improvement
It’s no secret that a healthy relationship can greatly improve a person’s mental health and overall quality of life. By strengthening a client’s support system, relationship therapy can promote holistic growth.
Prior to starting therapy, Kristen and Leslie struggled to stop bickering over Kristen’s difficulty with keeping commitments. Kristen began to feel that she could do nothing right in Leslie’s eyes, while Leslie felt resentful that Kristen didn’t try harder to take care of them. Discussing the relational impact of Kristen’s ADHD was a game-changer for the couple. Leslie learned that Kristen’s perceived lack of follow-through had nothing to do with her love for them and everything to do with executive dysfunction, and they also practiced clearly communicating their frustration and hurt so Kristen had opportunities for repair. Kristen, meanwhile, let go of the shame of being the “irresponsible” partner and learned to embrace her other strengths in the relationship, like her ability to be completely present with Leslie and her creativity in planning dates. Kristen’s stress decreased as the relationship improved, and as a result, her ADHD symptoms became more manageable.
At the same time, the work that they did in relationship counseling helped Kristen see herself as more than her condition and Leslie see themself as more than the “responsible” partner. Relationship counseling was able to not only support clinical symptom reduction but overall self-esteem and wellness.
Relationship therapy can never take the place of individual therapy when it comes to coping with a mental health condition; individual therapy provides focused, singular attention that couples therapy can’t offer. However, rather than being a luxury or add-on, relationship therapy can be a partner to individual work, allowing a client to build on progress and make quality of life improvements by enlisting the support of their loved one. It can also provide a place for partners to get support and education for themselves and share their experiences. If you’re looking to improve your relationship and learn how to address mental health as a team, reach out to one of our relationship therapists at Valid Love and set up a consult. We’d love to support you and your partner(s) in growing stronger together.