Relationship OCD and You
By Alice McCabe, LCSW-A
Romantic relationships can be difficult to navigate, especially for individuals who have experienced challenging or unsteady romantic dynamics in the past. For some people, relationships can become a source of overwhelming anxiety, leading to a constant need for reassurance and persistent doubts about their connection with their partner – even if nothing is wrong. Individuals with a history of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), unhealthy attachments, or obsessive/ perfectionistic thinking, may find themselves in a specific and often misunderstood subtype of OCD: Relationship OCD, or ROCD.
While it’s completely normal to experience occasional doubts or questions about a romantic relationship – especially during times of stress or life transition – ROCD can amp this worry up to 1000. The result is often a persistent loop of obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors that disrupt not only the relationship itself, but also the individual’s sense of peace and well-being.
What Is Relationship OCD or ROCD?
Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) that centers around intrusive thoughts about romantic relationships. These thoughts are typically distressing, unwanted, and difficult to dismiss. In response, individuals may engage in compulsive behaviors in an attempt to reduce their anxiety—such as excessive reassurance-seeking, analyzing their feelings, or mentally checking for evidence that the relationship is "right" or "wrong." In other words, ROCD involves obsessive fears or doubts about one’s partner, the relationship, or even oneself as a partner—and an overwhelming urge to resolve or neutralize those fears.
ROCD tends to be more common in people with existing OCD diagnoses, anxious attachment styles, or trauma histories. It may also show up more prominently in those who struggle with perfectionism, low self-worth, or difficulty tolerating uncertainty in their life.
What Does ROCD Look Like?
While ROCD can look different from person to person, there are a few common signs and patterns. Here are some experiences that may point to ROCD rather than typical relationship anxiety:
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You feel the need to ask for reassurance from your partner constantly – and it doesn’t necessarily help. While reassurance seeking can be very healthy in any relationship, the point of reassurance seeking as a compulsion can be overwhelming for one’s partner, and it often offers little relief from the obsessive beliefs about oneself in their relationship. Many people who have experienced ROCD say that after a while, constant reassurance offers no relief at all.
Excessive concern about the relationship. “Is my partner really happy? Do they really love me? Is there someone out there better for me than this person?” The anxiety and the excessive focus on these worries, especially when nothing is explicitly wrong, can indicate obsessive thoughts. These thoughts may come up regardless of evidence that the relationship is going well and smoothly.
Feeling too distracted in your relationship due to obsessive thoughts about it to be in it. People with relationship OCD may experience emotional numbness after a while, and the anxiety might make you feel totally out of the moment, even when you’re spending meaningful time with the person you’re with. You may sit with your partner watching a TV show, worrying more and more about whether they’re having fun, whether you’re both happy, whether this is working out. You find it hard to enjoy the moment because you’re mentally elsewhere.
Comparing your relationship to others’ or comparing yourself to past relationships and partners. This could be wondering whether your partner or you are doing your relationship “right,” whether your relationship is as valid as someone else’s, or whether you should be doing more in your relationship. People with ROCD may avoid others’ social media posts about relationships or avoid media that depicts relationships. They also may have checking compulsions around relationships to “test” whether the relationship is good.
What ROCD Isn’t
Anxiety about relationships is normal, especially with the societal pressure of finding a lifelong partner, maintaining a healthy romantic relationship, and getting that “happy ever after.” What denotes relationship OCD, and not just anxiety, is the weight that the intrusive thoughts around relationships have on us and our need to respond with compulsions. The anxiety and pressure to seek reassurance or perform checking compulsions may be very intense and unavoidable for someone with ROCD. For example, someone may have the intrusive thought, “My partner hates me,” despite evidence to the contrary – and really believe that thought. This person, if they have ROCD, may feel a wave of anxiety and feel the need to go to their partner and ask, “do you still love me?” Your partner may respond, “Of course I do!” This may offer relief for a little while, a bit of reassurance that keeps the anxiety at bay… until the next time a similar thought pops up. On top of that, it may cause some confusion for the partner, especially when it feels to them like the question was asked out of the blue.
At times, we need to be real with ourselves about where we are at with our relationships: is it really good for me? Am I happy in my connection with this person? Sometimes a relationship really isn’t right for us, and that’s okay! Many people with ROCD struggle to distinguish what is OCD versus rational thinking around one’s relationship with others. These intrusive thoughts can be “sticky” – they can make a person with ROCD feel as though there is real, personal meaning attached to the intrusive thought. Even if the person knows the thought is unrealistic, the possibility of it being true can be terrifying.
The Causes of ROCD
There are many triggers that can “cause” relationship OCD, but generally, ROCD doesn’t occur in isolation from other subtypes of OCD, so it may be worthwhile to examine further for other signs of OCD. ROCD can often come in tandem with traits of low self-esteem, perfectionist tendencies, and difficulty with uncertainty in relationships and other areas of life. People with ROCD may be people-pleasers and feel responsible for others’ feelings; they may be hypervigilant about how their partner is feeling, watching for signs that something is wrong.
Individuals with relationship OCD tendencies may have a history of abuse or anxious attachment style. They might have experienced neglect or fraughtful relationships with caregivers as a child, and may fear being left behind or not being “good enough” for their partner. People with ROCD may also be very empathic and feel the need to make sure they don’t hurt others. While these tendencies may come from a caring place, ROCD can negatively impact both the individual and the relationship as a whole.
How ROCD Can Affect Relationships
ROCD can place immense strain on even the healthiest relationships. From the partner’s perspective, it might feel confusing or hurtful to be repeatedly asked, “Are you sure you love me?” or to be on the receiving end of emotional withdrawal when everything seems fine. Over time, this dynamic can lead to misunderstandings, conflict, or even emotional burnout. A partner may begin to feel like no amount of reassurance is ever enough, or they may feel accused of things they haven’t done.
However, when ROCD is understood and addressed—especially with the support of a therapist—partners can learn to communicate more effectively and support each other without feeding the OCD cycle.
Coping with ROCD
If you suspect you may be struggling with ROCD, know that you are not alone—and that treatment is possible. Some helpful coping strategies include:
Learning to sit with uncertainty. Rather than trying to “solve” or “figure out” the thoughts, try acknowledging them without engaging. This might sound like, “This is an intrusive thought. I don’t need to give it meaning right now.”
Limit compulsive behaviors. The more we engage with compulsive behaviors (like asking for reassurance or replaying conversations over and over in our head after it happens), the more we strengthen the OCD cycle. Working with a therapist can help you identify these behaviors and reduce them over time.
Mindfulness and grounding can keep you present. OCD thought spirals can take us out of the moment and create a deep sense of fear. It’s important to find mindfulness and grounding exercises that work for you, and practice them regularly so that when distress arises, you are more equipped to handle them.
Openly communicating with your partner(s). While it’s important not to rely on your partner to reduce your anxiety (this can cause unhealthy codependence), it can be helpful to talk honestly about your experience, especially if they’re open to learning more about ROCD. This builds empathy and teamwork in the relationship, allowing for more intimacy and understanding.
Professional Treatment for ROCD
The gold standard treatment for ROCD—and OCD in general—is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), a type of therapy that helps individuals gradually face their fears (such as the uncertainty of a relationship) without resorting to compulsions that strengthen the OCD cycle. Additionally, some individuals benefit from medication, which can reduce the intensity of OCD symptoms and support therapeutic work.
Working with a therapist who understands ROCD can make a significant difference. Not only can therapy offer tools to break the cycle of intrusive thoughts and compulsions, but it can also help individuals reconnect with their values, build self-compassion, and create relationships that feel loving and safe.
ROCD can be exhausting and confusing, but it doesn’t mean you’re broken—or that your relationship is doomed. With understanding, self-awareness, and the right support, it is absolutely possible to manage ROCD and build a deeper, more authentic connection with yourself and your partner.
If you or someone you care about is struggling with symptoms of ROCD, consider reaching out to Valid Love for a free consultation call. Therapy can be a space to untangle anxiety from intuition, identify helpful coping strategies, and begin the path toward peace and clarity in your relationships – and at Valid Love, we are equipped to approach this path collaboratively with you.