Anxiety and Love: How it Shows Up in Relationships
Let’s be honest. Relationships can be messy. They’re beautiful, rewarding, and full of potential, but they also have a way of bringing our stuff to the surface. Especially when it comes to anxiety.
As a therapist, I see this all the time. People come in confused about why they feel so unsettled, reactive, or emotionally distant in a relationship they want to feel secure in. Spoiler alert: often, anxiety is the uninvited guest pulling the strings in the background.
In this post, I want to break down what anxiety in relationships really looks like, why it happens, and how we can respond to it with more understanding and compassion. Whether you’re the anxious one, your partner is, or you’re both navigating it together, this post is for you.
What Is Relationship Anxiety?
Before we dive into how anxiety shows up, let’s define it.
Relationship anxiety is when worry, fear, or insecurity starts to interfere with your connection. This isn’t about the occasional doubt or nervousness, and that’s totally normal, especially early on. It’s about a persistent sense of unease that shows up even when things are objectively going well.
People often ask me, “How do I know if this is just a gut feeling or anxiety?” That’s a tough one, but here’s a key difference. Anxiety tends to be loud, persistent, and disconnected from reality. Your gut? It’s quieter, more grounded, and usually doesn’t leave you spiralling at 2 a.m.
How Anxiety Shows Up in Relationships
Anxiety doesn’t wear a name tag that says “Hi, I’m here to sabotage your relationship.” It’s sneakier than that. Here are some of the most common ways I see anxiety showing up in couples therapy and individual work.
Overthinking and Doubt
Anxious, intrusive thoughts love to loop. You might find yourself constantly wondering:
Do they really love me?
What if they leave?
What did they really mean by that text?
This overthinking can feel like you're trying to protect yourself, but it actually distances you from being present and connected.
Seeking Constant Reassurance
A little reassurance is normal and healthy. But anxiety can turn it into a compulsion. If you find yourself asking your partner the same questions over and over. “Are you mad at me?” or “Do you still want to be with me?” It’s likely not about needing the answer. It’s about trying to soothe your anxious brain.
Fear of Vulnerability
Ironically, the more we fear losing someone, the harder it can be to fully open up. Anxiety can convince us that if we share too much: our needs, our feelings, our fears, we’ll push the other person away. So, we stay guarded. But in doing so, we prevent real intimacy.
People-Pleasing and Self-Abandonment
Anxious folks often become chameleons in relationships. You might prioritize your partner’s needs over your own, avoid conflict at all costs, or agree to things you’re not comfortable with. Why? Because anxiety says, “If I’m easygoing and agreeable, they won’t leave.”
Hyperawareness of Your Partner’s Moods
Have you ever felt like you’re constantly monitoring your partner’s tone, facial expressions, or energy? That’s anxiety playing detective. It makes you scan for signs of disconnection or danger, whether they’re real or not. This can be exhausting for both of you.
Pulling Away or Sabotaging
Not all anxious people cling. Some pull away. This is especially true if anxiety is rooted in fear of rejection. You might ghost after a great date, pick fights to create distance, or convince yourself the relationship is doomed before it even begins. This is often a defense mechanism: “If I end it first, it won’t hurt as much.”
Impact on Sexual Intimacy
Let’s talk about sex for a second. Anxiety doesn’t just live in our thoughts... It lives in our bodies. And that has a huge effect on sexual connection.
When you’re anxious, your body is often in fight-or-flight mode. That makes it really hard to feel relaxed, connected, or safe during intimate moments. You might find yourself avoiding sex altogether, feeling numb or disconnected during it, or overthinking your performance or your partner’s reaction.
Sexual intimacy thrives on presence, trust, and vulnerability. All things anxiety tends to disrupt. You might worry that your partner is dissatisfied, or you might shut down emotionally to avoid feeling exposed. On the flip side, some people use sex to try and seek closeness or reassurance. Neither is “wrong,” but both can be signs that anxiety is steering the ship.
Being able to name what’s happening and talk openly about it is a crucial step toward rebuilding safety and closeness. Not just emotionally, but physically too.
Where Does Relationship Anxiety Come From?
There’s no single answer here, but a few common sources include:
Attachment style
Anxious attachment often stems from early relationships where love felt inconsistent or conditional.
Past trauma
If you’ve been cheated on, gaslit, or abandoned in the past, your nervous system might be on high alert in new relationships.
Low self-worth
If you don’t believe you’re lovable or worthy, it’s easy to assume your partner will eventually “see the truth” and leave.
Perfectionism
Wanting the perfect relationship can create constant anxiety when real-life relationships—by nature—are imperfect.
The Impact on the Relationship
Anxiety doesn’t just affect the anxious person. It affects the dynamic between partners. It can create a cycle where one partner is always seeking closeness and the other feels overwhelmed or pulled away. Or, it can make both people feel like they’re walking on eggshells, unsure how to communicate honestly without triggering the other.
Over time, anxiety can erode trust, intimacy, and emotional safety. That doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, but it does mean both people need to be aware of what’s happening.
How to Work Through Anxiety in Relationships
Here’s the good news. There are things you can do.
Name It
Anxiety thrives in the dark. The first step is naming what’s happening: “This is anxiety. It’s trying to protect me, but it’s not always helpful.” Naming it creates distance between you and the anxious thoughts.
Get Curious, Not Judgmental
Instead of beating yourself up for being “too much” or “needy,” ask yourself where those fears are coming from. What’s the story behind your anxiety? When did you first learn that love could disappear? Getting curious is where healing begins.
Communicate Honestly
You don’t have to be anxiety-free to be in a healthy relationship, but you do need to be honest. Let your partner in on what’s happening. Say things like, “Sometimes I get anxious and need a little extra reassurance. I’m working on it, but I want you to know what’s going on.”
Practice Self-Soothing
Your partner can support you, but they can’t be your therapist or your only source of emotional regulation. Learn tools like deep breathing, journaling, or grounding exercises to help you manage anxious moments on your own.
Challenge Anxious Thoughts
Not every thought deserves your trust. When anxiety says, “They’re going to leave,” try to pause and ask, “What evidence do I have for that? What would I say to a friend in this situation?”
Consider Therapy
Therapy is one of the best ways to work through relationship anxiety. Whether it’s individual or couples therapy, having a space to unpack your patterns and develop healthier ways of relating is a game changer.
Final Thoughts
If you see yourself in this post, know that you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. Anxiety is a very human response to uncertainty, and relationships are full of uncertainty. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to push people away or feel perpetually unsafe.
With awareness, support, and a little inner work, it’s absolutely possible to have a connected, secure relationship, even if your anxiety likes to whisper otherwise. You’re worthy of love, exactly as you are.